SILLYSCOPES

Sillyscopes is intended for entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be used for practical advice (like anyone really would!).

Aquarius

Jan. 20 – Feb. 19

Your idealistic tendencies are shining through this week, Aquarius. You are a beacon of hope and inspiration to us all. Of course you are also a bit naïve because you still don’t get the following joke: Why was it a tragedy when a bus with lawyers on board plunged over a cliff? Because there were three empty seats.

Pisces

Feb. 20 – March 20

Don’t you hate being indecisive? Don’t you hate looking at a menu for what seems like forever without being able to choose? Don’t you hate trying to decide where to eat, or what to do this weekend? WELL, YOUR FRIENDS DO, TOO! Make up your mind!

Aries

March 21 – April 20

Ooh-la-la, things are heating up on the romantic front! You’re staring at the biggest set of big brown eyes you’ve ever gotten lost in. This true love of your life won’t complain when you come home late and is always happy to see you. Face it, you’ve hit the jackpot.

Now if you could just get the puppy potty-trained.

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

A great week to go shopping, Taurus. Go ahead, splurge, enjoy and revel in the moment. Just don’t make the mistake one idiot did when they asked a clerk if they could try on the dress in the window. “No, ma’am,” he said. “You’ll have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”

It’s OK, she was probably a Cancer.

Gemini

May 22 – June 22

Find a friend and take the time this week to do some good old-fashioned catching up. After all, there are few things you like more than talking and this will let you really enjoy yourself. It would be best if you would look for someone who is a Sagittarius.

Cancer

June 23 – July 23

Suffering from a hangover this week after the big night on the town last week? Well, it’s your own fault. If you were more responsible like your brother the Capricorn, that wouldn’t have happened. You would’ve stayed home and not blown all your money and done those stupid things . . . (sorry, your mother paid us to put that in there!) Leo

July 24 – Aug. 23

You have made a business decision that is going to pay dividends. For some people that could mean windfall profits in the millions. For others it might mean stock options and a new company car. For you, unfortunately, it’s likely that you just won the office pool and a whole $12.

Virgo

Aug. 24 – Sept. 23

Get on the computer and log in. There will be some exciting e-mails and IM’s awaiting. Who knows, you may find that you have a long-lost relative who has been killed in some mysterious circumstance in outer Mongolia and there is a banker in Tibet who has $24 million just waiting for you! The banker’s English might not be too good, but don’t let that scare you!

Libra

Sept. 24 – Oct. 23

You are the glue in the fabric of your life. We’re not sure what that means exactly but it was on a fortune cookie at a little restaurant in Waco and we thought it sounded good.

Scorpio

Oct. 24 – Nov. 22

This week could be all about romance. Or it could be all about career. Or it could be all about your social life. Or it could be all about materialism. Whatever it’s all about, it’s sure that you’re going to be intense.

Lighten up. Chill out. Realize that it could just be all about nothing.

Sagittarius

Nov. 23 – Dec. 22

You are likely to get a call out of the blue from an old friend. Ask them if they are a Gemini. If they are, hang the phone up, delete the email address, move and get away. They’re going to try to talk your leg off.

Capricorn

Dec. 23 – Jan. 19

A good week to think about a new career. You tend to look at things fairly narrowly anyway (which is a polite way of saying “pig-headed”). Try a different approach. Think back to when you were a little kid and dreamt about what you wanted to be when you grow up. It’s not too late to become a cowboy.