That infernal contraption - the combustion engine
Horseless carriage is an early name for the motor car or automobile. Prior to the invention of the motor car, carriages were usually pulled by animals, typically horses. These horseless carriages were similar in looks to existing horse-drawn carriages, but they had some type of mechanical propulsion.
Some of the first had tiller steering, an engine under the floorboards, and a high center of gravity, which caused them to be unstable. One of the first horseless carriages was produced in 1803 and it was a steam driven vehicle.
In 1896, a vehicle built by Armstrong was a hybrid using both an electric motor with a battery and an internal combustion engine fueled by gasoline. One major concern was voiced by an inventor from Battle Creek, Michigan, one Uriah Smith and his objection was that the horseless carriage was noisy, looked strange, and scared the hell out of horses.
These early horseless carriages were cost prohibitive to most people and it was not until 1908 when Henry Ford built the Model-T that these vehicles became affordable. Soon, most Americans, including Uncle Jack Cathey, owned one. Family legend tells the tale of an unfortunate, but amusing escapade of Uncle Jack and his Model-T Ford.
Shortly after the purchase of a Model-T, Uncle Jack was returning from a leisurely drive through the scenic countryside surrounding the old Cathey homeplace near Purvis, Texas. At journey’s end, he chose to park ol’ Lizzy in the small one car garage built expressly for keeping Pecan leaves, mildew drippings, and dust from marring the shiny black finish of their new automobile. Uncle Jack drove right into the well-built garage and when it was time to stop, Uncle Jack reared back on the steering wheel and shouted, “WHOA!” A command the Model-T totally ignored as it continued through the back end of the garage amid lumber splintering, dust boiling, and considerable cussing from Uncle Jack!
Later, he would be quick to let you know that he had absolutely no use for that “Infernal Contraption!” Legend does not tell us if there was an abrupt stop once the rear of the garage splintered or if the escapade continued. Regardless, this bit of history inspired my poem.
THAT INFERNAL CONTRAPTION!
The peaceful quiet of this western town,
Was shattered by a banshee’s squall,
That could turn a smile into a frown,
Spookin’ the stoutest among them all.
Like a dark cloud in bright mid-day,
It roared an’ popped an’ floated through,
Reapin’ havoc along the way,
Scarin’ kids an’ dogs as it flew.
Town drunks shivered an’ swore to quit,
As the women hid their children,
Men came runnin’ lickety-split ,
Yet on it came, with that awful den.
Jest what was causin’ that ruckus?
Horses spooked from the rollin’ thunder,
Then it swooped in among us,
An’ folk shook their heads in wonder.
That infernal contraption sped,
As Uncle Jack held on fer dear life,
He planned to park it in the shed,
But cut through it like a knife.
Next in line was our pore ol’ outhouse,
That got tumped over on it’s side,
The hired man crawled out meek as a mouse,
Too faint to stand, tho he shore tried.
Debris flew an’ cuss words were heard,
As that dang contraption shot by,
A scene that was quite absurd,
‘Cuz Sears Roebuck was on the fly.
Those catalog pages in the air,
Looked like giant snowflakes as they flew,
An’ that ain’t all that scattered there,
Best left untouched, I’m tellin’ you.
Then they headed fer Ma’s henhouse,
With Uncle Jack a-shoutin’ “whoa!”
Hit the clothesline, snagged a pink blouse,
an’ shut off his vision on the go.
That infernal contraption swerved past,
Sparin’ the henhouse in it’s path,
Careened around some trees at last,
Seemed destined now to take a bath.
‘Cuz it swerved toward the pond so near,
Aunt Angie waved an’ gave a shout,
But pore Uncle Jack could not hear,
Nor see, with blouse wrapped about.
But on the wheel, he was a-rearin’ back,
An’ a-shoutin’ “whoa” plenty loud!
But he hit that pond with a smack,
An’ water covered him like a shroud.
They sunk to the bottom spewin’ steam,
Then, it stuck in the squishy mud.
He sat there like a ruler, so supreme,
Contemplatin’ murder in cold blood.
Uncle Jack let his anger spew,
An’ took out his frustration,
Allowin’ as how he wuz through,
With that infernal contraption!
Said they started off okay,
With roar an’ clatter, an’a pop!
Warn’t no trick to find his way,
But it was pure dee hell to stop!!
© Ol’ Jim Cathey
Keep a tight rein…and drive safely!
God bless each of you and God Bless America!